Dress(ed) to Die, Opening the Closet

Dearest mother,

      If I die tonight from the truth of who I was you never knew please don't hide, I just wanted love in this life. I parade myself about the society of this mistrusting and selfish world in a dress I owned, wore it regularly, that black form fitted to my figure number.

     I'm not gay, I just like to wear dresses, let my hair down, put on some eye shadow, nail polish and convince myself that in doing so, I might one day change the illegitimate perceptions of this world. I just want to help create a culture of acceptance, no more wicked words towards those we don't know, undeserving would be friends, we judged.

     I don't need to tell myself the fairytale that my own very little self in this wide world will support anything really, honestly I just like wearing a dress. Sometimes it occurs to me that it might be easy access for sex with... Another half I shan't ever find.

     This is my own closet, craft by a memory that never fades but nevertheless forgives. I was once told that if I was gay I'd be disowned, could have been an erupting moment from my father on some other facet of life, something that may or may not be hidden inside.

     Maybe I was born gay and through the ritual of denial so deep in the well of my soul I've become this unnatural thing. Perhaps it was all the bullying through my youth or the backstabbing from supposed f(r)iends that brought me into a realm that echoes hope for others but a quick death wish for myself, not that this was the point of said paragraph, tangent of the poetic side.

     I grew up the only fat kid on both sides of the family, in my church, youth groups and school, ridiculed! Perhaps somewhere in the logic of my beliefs my sexuality (being my true on, that of being gay; being male and having a preference for said same sex) got 'broke.' 

     'Twisted back into place,' some Christians might say, though they would add some religious verbage that doesn't really add anything to the conversation save but to show off piety.

     I'm still 'Christian,' I'd say any ways, but I'm pretty sure that I'm God Damned. Yeah, I know, the whole endless mercy thing, you don't have to tell me, I believe. But it is one thing to believe and another trapped inside your own head, unable to wrap logic around that facet.

     I can't stand side by side with other Christians, I live and breathe equality. All of my awareness in every moment of every day is spent harbouring words, thoughts and actions for change on behalf of equality in virtue which is the base of love.

     Besides, I don't even look normal, outside of the dress any ways... I mean, when I walk into a church, I'm the only one with gauged ear lobes, a ring through his nose instead of his finger. I'm too liberal of view to converse with most anyone, because I actually have thought about and stand for them, whereas comfortable pacifism adorns most others. I get it though, consciousness is a vast step before the blow of awareness that can never be sated, you can never go back to sedation after being woken up... and I am surely awake.

     If you're gay, just another human being like me, courage is your best virtue. Forget living by confidence, that's a decrepit façade that people put on, a mask to cover. Courage lives as it should, who you are in every moment you find able. So if you're holding on to that closet latch, ever be prepared to through the door open.

    Of course the realm of landscape is different for everyone, what I mean is this. That if you are 'accepted' by others on the premise alone of who they perceive you to be, that eventually shall fall away. So be prepared for that day, possibly even create the moment yourself. 

     But for others, their safety is in jeopardy if they come out of the closet, so to them the logical patterns of courage are differently formulated. To them I say this, being who you are is not a belief, it is your existence! You do not have to come out of the closet to stand up for who you are, merely living every day in the struggle is enough. Live for a future that is coming, wherein there is love.

In earnest anticipation of,

J