Personally Impersonal!

Good f*cking morning; Glasgow!

     So our household received it's first finances since the lock down started. When it all went down it was kinda a blur, I think I got sacked... By the former owner, but still have a job to go back to with the new owner when the lock down ends... Pretty sure I'm not entirely sure, about anything just now... One day, one smile at a time. For now I am an ex-hospitality manager turned 'professional gamer.'

     As I said, I'm a totes Professional Scottish Video Game Player and Social Media 'douche-influencer,' the seventh most renowned poet in Scotland; EVER and also the most fashionable person to exist. While I'm the best at most everything, including being the homes event coordinator, which includes slotting myself in in the role of cook and cleaner, my partner works in as a freelancer in the TV and Film Industry, which has taken a beyond massive hit just now. And I mean for the people who work in it, not only just that shows and movies peeps want to see are getting delayed.

    So this income we got, which was pretty awesome, came from Screen Scotland, which sits within Creative Scotland that supports filming in Scotland and the Staff who help to craft the films and television shows lots of us in the UK and beyond like to watch. It was a 'Bridging the Gap' support fund we applied for and only just received the email about last night, which was amazeballs.

    The cafe I was running, as you might have gathered was in between being purchased from a hobby owner to someone who wanted to grow the business and cared about the staff who managed the shop on his would be behalf. The old owner didn't pay us right or on time... Or even give us pay slips so even if we were employed by him on or before the 28th of February it would be hard to both prove and show just how much we got paid in order to get any sort of stupid 80% no ones got yet from the stumbling f*cktards we currently call a government.

     On top of that we were also paid in cash without a trace to HMRC a few weeks leading up to any sort of said sale of the business, which no one is sure has even happened yet... At least we didn't get proper sacked like the G1 staff or Weathersporks staff. Sad times for so many of us! So yeah, on top of all that my partner who is said to be a freelancer, but is also PAYE for some gigs because it all just depends on how the filming's productions write up their contracts for each individual for every department. Costume, set, production, locations, art dorkpartment and all the jazz I've forgotten to mention, as I work in a totally shite industry! I mean separate industry... Yes, separate... That's what I meant.

     Anyways... So when the email about the funding came through my partner, a legendary villain in this crime of a life, had just started a live drawing class online, she did see an email had come through but put it off until after the class was done and after we had eaten dinner, which was a double vat of chili! One spicy with sweet corn and the other rich and moreish with chocolate and coffee! She was nearly in tears when she opened the email, that someone out there was validating her, her industry, people working in her industry in Scotland just overwhelmed her with hope and confidence!

     Because... Just like me, her confidence was knocked, not having worked since December, which is normal for her as she takes a gap to recuperate and her industry is quiet in January and February with work normally starting up again in film and tv in Scotland end of March or Aprilish... Ish...  She was really hoping to be working by now and had the fear that her industry would just not open ever... again! Not a logical thought, but these are not very logical times as anyone can see. A government bailing out big multinational business, that may or may not even pay tax in our country, whilst the tax payers get closer and closer to beyond broke each day. Some people even going into over draft or taking out a loan to pay bills or by food... OUCH!    

     Any who... I had also had my confidence ruined the past few years from various jobs that I had taken that didn't turn out to be the jobs I thought they would be or just not fitting in to well into them. On top of that I suffer from mental illness, one I've had on board the brain since I was a teenager, but only discovered and started to treat when I was 29 years of ANCIENT! God that was like ages ago, so old now...

    This mental ill health that I've written poems about and what naughts takes a weird shape within the psychology of the self, ruining confidence, allowing the self to justify bad behaviour, destroy my own body to the point someone said I looked as gaunt thin as a holocaust victim, which is absolutely true! Though I still didn't see myself as thin enough, in the mirror or on the scale. Anyways, that's enough about me. We've got a touche of hope in our household.

I've never used my ill health or how it affects me to justify my stupidity, in fact I've nearly always tried to overcompensate with positivity and a good work ethic, to support those around me rather than be in a foul mood about myself wherever I might find myself in the world. But I wasn't very good at being a good person, only good at hiding the sh*te I always was. Sharing my wounds and hopes via poetry, nearly two and a half thousand wee trinkets I've posted over the years, mostly invisible which is totally okay. Yeah, but I hope some day they matter to someone out there, helping them and possible others as well through sh*t they're suffering or hoping to overcome like me, even if they don't feel a good person, they might just be...

     Remember others! We've all got our very own story at how we arrived into this very moment we're interacting with one another, face to face, online or over the phone, whatever...! So have a little patience and alot of empathy for one another. No matter the age of someone from tween to ancient, our stories are all so very our own and the histories we carry could be good or terrible! Beyond rubbish even! What's more, we don't know where eachothers minds are in the moment, someone might be downcast for mental ill health due to a recent death in the family, which is absolutely relevant just now. Or... They might be away to the shops to hide from domestic abuse or the shouting of parents at them or one another...

     The darkest of dark demands the brightest of bright. One day, one interaction, one massive f*cking smile at a time! G-d Damnit presents, the bullsh*t world we currently live in...! F*ck's sake.

Cheers and thanks for reading,

Written by a 40 year old idiot!A dweeb who gives a shit...

vX

https://villainoftruth.blogspot.com/2020/04/personally-impersonal.html