Heaven's Smile

I saw Your face in the rain one day
A bright cloud the essence
Of Your false smile you fake at me
Look at Your grand devotion to us all
A glancing view as we submit to pain

I see that shining smile amidst heaven's commotion
Fuck You, You never helped me walk anyway
I realize we cannot win, not even if we believe your fake
Your not some fucking crutch to lean on
You are the bearer and bringer of the most intense shame

Provoke my soul, bring it on
Fuck You! I renounce Your claim to my name
Where were you when I walked on frozen stone
When the thousand flaming tongues lashed on
They claim Your justifications behind their ways
Leaving me, no matter the choice alone and shamed

The snow storms down as if set on my destruction
Moreover than the last onslaught of freezing rain
All the while the flaming tongues lash on

I see that shining smile amidst heaven's commotion
Fuck You, You've mostly been a distant stranger
When I broadcast my pain with shouts of rage
You left me, Fuck You God, I can't wait to die
And with my last breath by fate breathe your name

You're the bearer and bringer of my most intense shame
Far beyond a family's judgments or a wife's ruthless hate
I see now ever so clearly, am I the last witness
To heaven's most sacred secret Your so easily faked smile
Hidden in the depths far off behind all of Heaven's commotion

Is this enough, what more prayers of shouting could one make
Rage isn't enough because soon it fades
Opening once again the realization
A storm parting opposite a curtain closing
I am one with the energies of all
Hatred, shame, love but mostly pain
That is why I know its true when I say
I truly do hate You most of my days

Ps. With love to the victims.

I, the me I am that I cannot find.

It is not the act, but what lies behind it.
It is not the reasons why, but the mentality that is held behind them.

It seems to me that no one will ever come or desire to know what I'm going through, so as you say it may be that I should regress back into myself to fall away into a jaded perspective of gray. In doing so become nothing more than a fading apparition seeking a way out of pain to God's open door. But ever I shall press the words of wisdom to my lips, discernment from my own beliefs it may be are my own end; But I hope that it is as it is said, that all sin is equal and with great measure of pain I shall progress out from the harm instilled, possibly by my own choices however ill. I hope I've never asked too much, I'd rather look back and say I sold my self out, of something I can never now come to know, alas for anger from judgments cast upon me outside from those who do not know. The harm gave me reasons to pass the labeled greatest treason, to pass on and leave all behind, not to run away, but running into seeking to find. Could someone love me for who I am and in doing so bring forth the hidden smile inside I never knew I had. I could give forever but if I don't receive I'll bleed out from the pain no is willing to perceive. I feel enough wounds from the casting of stones, I recognize I am the shameful son, the last friend you'd want to know, a foolish husband, but in the end I hope I never gave in to hate, no matter the labels you've all given me. I hope that my choice words in response don't grieve you all the more you come to know. I just wish you'd put down the stones and with some accepting love cover me. But I suppose your belief's forgiveness doesn't cover me, and so I'll move, as one already in a casket floating upon the open sea. Its never too late to become yourself, seek to know the consciousness I was never allowed to know, because the hate upon me late deteriorated the faith you claim I betrayed. My airwaves were open wide and you injected judgments deep into my skin forever, shaming me for my sins you claim I did; I only wished you'd asked the circumstances instead you passed them on with hate seemingly did you negate to abate the onslaught of the person so far off you claim to know.

It is not the act, but justifications which lie behind.
It is not the simple reasons why, but the mentality unknown which is held behind.
In this life the horrible self I am I seek to find.

Playing God's Cards (The Path)

I see you sinking slowly down
Almost gliding into oncoming calamity
And still you tell me how to live my life
Playing God's cards as if you know every path

Once I sought to teach something
But as I looked around I learned
That all men walk their own paths
Their are those that walk steady
And those that walk astray

All dreams claimed for material comfort
No butterflies exploding out from cocoons by the river
Forever you'd gladly remain in unforgivable secret ways
After all change is unacceptable even for an old dog like you

Its not that who you are is a sin or doesn't ring true
Its the casting of stones upon your neighbor's paths
But playing the judging game is claiming your God
All love wants is acceptance with some wisdom along the way
Not judgments passed described from the outside

Walk just one day in my path
With the harm and lies done unto me
And maybe you'll drop your stones and walk away
Until this day comes I'll wait on the tormenting words from all of you

Ps dear family I wish you'd actually showed me once you cared
Against your judgments I never turned a middle finger
But how I desired the hidden truth to be displayed
I can see it now, a crashing river cascading forth
Out from it all paths forged desperate and anew

Once I sought to discernment of small things
But as I looked around the holy lights went out
Blinded by those casting crowns just to look away
Looking back only to silently confirm assumptions we have
About other men and the paths they have to walk

All men walk their own path
Their are those that walk unholy ground and yet are steady
And those that believe blindly
Falling into comfort and are lead astray
Just let me walk mine
Don't play God over me