I, the me I am that I cannot find.

It is not the act, but what lies behind it.
It is not the reasons why, but the mentality that is held behind them.

It seems to me that no one will ever come or desire to know what I'm going through, so as you say it may be that I should regress back into myself to fall away into a jaded perspective of gray. In doing so become nothing more than a fading apparition seeking a way out of pain to God's open door. But ever I shall press the words of wisdom to my lips, discernment from my own beliefs it may be are my own end; But I hope that it is as it is said, that all sin is equal and with great measure of pain I shall progress out from the harm instilled, possibly by my own choices however ill. I hope I've never asked too much, I'd rather look back and say I sold my self out, of something I can never now come to know, alas for anger from judgments cast upon me outside from those who do not know. The harm gave me reasons to pass the labeled greatest treason, to pass on and leave all behind, not to run away, but running into seeking to find. Could someone love me for who I am and in doing so bring forth the hidden smile inside I never knew I had. I could give forever but if I don't receive I'll bleed out from the pain no is willing to perceive. I feel enough wounds from the casting of stones, I recognize I am the shameful son, the last friend you'd want to know, a foolish husband, but in the end I hope I never gave in to hate, no matter the labels you've all given me. I hope that my choice words in response don't grieve you all the more you come to know. I just wish you'd put down the stones and with some accepting love cover me. But I suppose your belief's forgiveness doesn't cover me, and so I'll move, as one already in a casket floating upon the open sea. Its never too late to become yourself, seek to know the consciousness I was never allowed to know, because the hate upon me late deteriorated the faith you claim I betrayed. My airwaves were open wide and you injected judgments deep into my skin forever, shaming me for my sins you claim I did; I only wished you'd asked the circumstances instead you passed them on with hate seemingly did you negate to abate the onslaught of the person so far off you claim to know.

It is not the act, but justifications which lie behind.
It is not the simple reasons why, but the mentality unknown which is held behind.
In this life the horrible self I am I seek to find.