Dear Whom'ere

Dear diary where have all my friends gone

I presumably begin to see they were buddies along the ride

You know for those good old fucking times

But now I lay here my system shutting down again

Dialysis kicks in another organ downed by disease

Dear old friends why have you gone leaving me in darkness alone

Have you no morality, no holdings onto right or wrong

I call you with my last phone call to knock at your door

A tongueless response with a single finger despairing my gaunt face

Leaving me speechless on your steps, I hang up on the dial tone from my end

With my last strength I drop the wire and lay that hand to my chest

Feeling lost and betrayed all yellow skinned and motionless in my bed

While you move on your healthy life in full blossom, don't stop for the wounded

In my heart I am crucified

The medication and act of dying blurs my vision of right and wrong

Only in the gardens of God will this final version of me ever be known

May I not hate in heaven as I did here in my final days wilting all alone

Another tremor rakes me, I know this ones not mental... I will soon pass on

But before I do, or after I suppose, read on!

Dear family you claim words of love but that is all

They are feelings attached to my former image of a healthy self

But now I look around my white room in disgust at the emptiness

You fed your own desires to feel comfortable about your future

And left me here to rot alone wiping your hands clean

Of the images of nurses cleaning vomit as they wash my decaying body

The dying prelude to eulogy effigy I've become

The nurses run in as I scream with rage

Injecting a serum to sedate, already vomit covers my hospital bed

Dear everyone fuck you all, I know the anger is wrong

I'll embrace it because not one of you will ever know

Not how your leaving me exempt my final days of any love

So fuck you all straight to the core,as I've grown cold

Everything you ever said melded into one a vision of lying words

You claim as love, but inside I'm alone on that hill top

Carrying my own cross

The medication and act of dying blurs my vision of right and wrong

Only in the gardens of God will this final version of me ever be known

May I not hate in heaven as I did here in my final days wilting all alone

Another tremor rakes me, I know this ones not mental... I will soon pass on

But before I do, or after I suppose, read on!

Dear God I never knew Your love but I diagnosed the truth

You were real even if other man's abandonment to pleasure pulls were stronger

Now I'm sedatedly slurring waiting for a whispering but content to be

Even if I never again stand I now speak telling them all where their love went wrong

We all make mistakes but they don't know to me theirs were fatal

Dear everyone, have you fallen from love

Do you see me as weaker, now that I'm sickly?

Do you believe that all the weaker must die?

Where has the integrity of chivalry is it gone?

The society of vanity can't exist if I wished mirrors to death

Do you cling so desperately to the looking-glass

Would their still be beauty if I blew them all away

Without makeup, fashion shops, or magazines

I am the sweat smelling decaying while living one

Do you believe I the weaker must die?